So, I’ve leaned I’m not important to people unless they need something from me. That’s okay… It’s expected now… But when you try to act like you fucking care when you really don’t, it only makes it all the me insulting. I’m done being they fucking idiot you take me to be. I’m done being there at your beck and call. I’m done with the one sided friendship. I’m done with you and carrying for you… At last the showing it… Because at the end of the day… When you don’t give a flying fuck, why the fuck should I?
I think I am am over him, until I hear a song that makes me hurt for him all over again. He meant so much then, and even now… Now when I have healed, yet each time I hear a song that reminds me of him, with the words of how I felt, really makes my heart sad. Will this hurt ever go away? Will it fade? How can I go on if my heart won’t allow me to let him go… to let go of the love that shatters my heart over and over again. Not sure what is harder… letting my love go, or getting him to love me back. :( The word… may never get to know.
Why is it that everything reminds me of you? I can hear a song, and I can usually apply it to how I feel… or how I wish you felt about me.
I can think of the stars and how beautiful they are, and I wish I was seeing them with you.
If I have to do anything with anyone, my first choice is with you, and only you. If I could be with you always, that would be awesome by me.
Why can’t I do anything without thinking of you. Without wishing I was with you. Wishing you loved me even half as much as I love you.
Why can’t I move on? Why can’t I get over you? Why can’t I let go? Must be because I can’t imagine or even conceive the idea that you’ll never love me. Hope is the last thing you can lose, and maybe I really just haven’t lost it yet. I should take hope and drop it off in a far away land where it will never find me… so then when I lose the hope of your love, I can be hopeless forever… because that is my destiny. To be hopeless, loveless loser that will never have you.
So, why is it so hard to walk away and not look back? To shut him out, like I am shut out of his heart in the way that makes it so he will never love me back. The heart wants what the heart wants and my heart wants him. I’ve always wanted him, and I feel like maybe it always will. It’s been far too many years of being miserably in love, and preparing myself for a life without him… yet, I can’t seem to get there. Will I ever? Will the day come when he’ll just be “someone that I used to know” and I will have walked away from my friend. Or maybe he will walk away… again… for good. I don’t know which would be easier, but at least if he does it, I will have no choice but to move on.. without him. Something I just can’t bear to think about… Not right now anyway… since it is always on my mind and torments me daily.
So, about 7 years ago now, I fell in love. These past 7 years have been torture for me, because as much as I have loved HIM, and love HIM still, he doesn’t feel the same. We are the best of friends, and we always have been for the most part. There is nothing I would not do for HIM. I am in love with someone else now… deeply, but it will never compare to how I feel for HIM. I try not to say HIS name, because for a brief time, when we were not friends, I couldn’t even bare the thought of HIM. HE had met someone. Someone that didn’t love HIM back the way HE loved her. Funny right? Not really. It wasn’t funny at all, because it only made my pain worse. To know that someone wasn’t appreciating HIM, the way HE deserved. HE finally opened HIS eyes and saw her for what she was, and it hurt me to see HIM hurt. It hurt me that it couldn’t have been me HE loved, because I would have, and would do anything for HIM. HE means the world to me. Losing HIM again, as I did when HE was with her, may not be as hard to go through again, because losing HIM once was all I ever needed to toughen my heart and prepare for the worse… although I thought I was prepared last time, and when it happened, I crumbled like a fucking cookie. But the past is the past, and now we are best of friends again, and I will take it any which way I can. In the back of my mind, though, I will always have that little hope that one day, HE will love me, even a fraction of how much I love HIM. Hope is the last thing that you can lose, and well, I have never lost that.
I have yet to lose complete faith in humanity. There are still a few people out there that are givers that ask for nothing in return. I would like to believe I am more of a giver than a taker. But I do wish there were more givers out there. Give more, expect less, or expect nothing. It’s not that hard. And guess what? It doesn’t kill you. If anything, it makes you happier and healthier. People helping people. Why is that so unheard of now?
Unfortunately no one likes to give… especially if getting nothing in return. They just want to take and take, until there is nothing left. I refuse to be one of those people. I refuse to take from people and not give back to those who need or deserve it. I want to be someone who will give the shirt off my back. I want to give my last dollar to help a homeless person eat. I want to put a smile on a sad and helpless face. The warmth my shirt will bring, the tummy my last dollar will fill, the smile I get in return, that’s what I want to take from this. Nothing else.
I can’t change the way people think or how they feel. But I can change how I live my life and will pass on friendship, kindness, and love to anyone who needs it. I may not change the world, but I can change my world and I can make a difference one person at a time. That’s all I can do, and that’s what I am going to do… Because it’s who I want to be.